Dear Diary
by Just Gemma
Summary: Random Ramblings from the mind of Remus Lupin. WARNING: SBRL SLASH
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I'm making no money from this. Neither do I own Sirius Black, Remus Lupin (no matter how much I'd like to) nor any of the other characters in this fic. I'm just borrowing them, messing with them, then returning them in perfect, working order.

Dear Diary.

Dear Diary, I'm starting this diary, because it's the best way I have of getting through the ramblings in my head. I may make sense of them. May.

Anyway...see, this is the reason I've never done this before, I never know what to write, I mean, I'm talking to a book, for God's sake! The idea of starting this diary cane from Sirius of all people. He said, that it might help me collect and sort my scattered thoughts during the turbulent time before my transformation. He also said it makes life in general a lot easier. That it helps to put things in perspective. All this has led me to believe that Sirius keeps a diary. Shocking how easy it is to forget that underneath that carefree, macho exterior lies a deep, thoughtful, sensitive soul. His soulful side materialises without any forewarning, but always when it is needed most, and it often hits me like a punch to the gut, completely taking my breath away.

Like the night he found out about my condition. He and James sat me down; told me what they knew, and then explained that it was okay, that it was all right, they accepted it, accepted me. While I was reeling from that revelation, Sirius had pulled me into a hug, told me that I could always go to him and talk to him about anything, anything at all. He would never judge me, no matter what I said or did. By the time he was finished, I was crying. Sirius had held me then too, rocking me gently and telling me to let go that it was all right. And, for the first time in my life, it was.

That night was the best night of my life. I still relive it.

Sirius' speech really affected me. I had a warm, fuzzy feeling in my chest for days afterwards. I've just noticed that the feeling is stronger around Sirius than anyone else. That doesn't make sense, let me explain.

When James, or Lily, or Peter, even, when one of them are sweet, and, well nice to me, I feel warm and loved and it's lovely and great. When Sirius is nice to me, it's different. I feel loved, and warm and fuzzy, and it's more than great, it's brilliant. That sounds really bad! Like I don't appreciate the others, but I do. It's just...different, because they're not Sirius.

Okay, now I 'm really confused...I think I'll just give in for the night and go to bed.

Remus


	2. Chapter two

Dear Diary,

I've just read the last entry, and come to a shocking revelation, what's even more surprising is that I didn't realise this sooner. Ill tell you what I have realised. I am in love with Sirius Black. I love him. I know this should come as no surprise, but it did.

It hit me with the same effect as being soaked by I bucketful of ice-cold water. It was a gasping entrance into a different reality, one where I am Bi. This in itself does not bother me, as far as I can tell, this is not physical attraction. What does bother me, however, is that my heart has decided to fall for my best friend. This is not good. I now have to find a way of coping with this revelation. Bearing in mind, of course, that I spend most of, if not all of the day with Sirius, as well as sleeping in the same dorm as him. I can't run, (He'd run after me, catch me and then force me to talk) and I can't hide (He'd find me, and make me talk). You see the dilemma I am in? HELP!

Remus


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: As before

A/N: I apologise to those of you who read and reviewed this fic for the long delay in between posts. Life kinda got in the way. I hope that you haven't given up on this fic (I know I would've), and I hope it's not too short for you. I am determined to update regularly now, it will be a lot easier for me now I've got this little bit out of the way (I didn't have a clue about this part…)

Thanks for reading, and I apologise once more.

Just Gemma

Dear diary,

Surreal day today. We're talking more surreal then Dali today. Walked into the common room, and was subtly ambushed by Sirius. Yes, Sirius can be subtle. Just not very often.

"Remus? Can I have a word?"

I agreed instantly as I saw the anxiety and something close to apprehension in his eyes. He

turned and walked towards the stairs leading up to our dormitory, didn't look back, just knew

I'd follow him. He waited for me in front of the closed dormitory door, wiping his obviously

sweating hands on his jeans.

"What-?"

"Not here" He murmured quickly, looking around the hallway nervously. If it wasn't for the fact

that I knew Sirius couldn't hide when he was pissing about with me, I would've been deeply

suspicious at this point. Instead my nerves and paranoia heightened to a painful level.

"In here." Sirius turned the door knob. He turned and looked at me, his clear blue eyes

piercing like never before. "Just don't run out on us, okay?"

I nodded silently, having already guessed what they were about to confront me about and dreading it. Sirius' plea for me not to run out on them aside, I...I wasn't panicking as such, but I

balancing on a knife's edge between holding my infamous facade together, and running from

the castle screaming like a banshee. They had had to have found out. But how? I had carefully

constructed my excuses...but then again, we were in our fifth year by now, so they were

starting to get transparent. It didn't help that we were studying them in DADA either, so I

have to be extra careful. Sirius slowly opened the door, and waved me in. He had wanted me to

go first, so that I couldn't escape. On hindsight, I see now that it was a good idea, because

given half the chance I would have run, but at the time I could've punched him.

I took a deep breath and walked through the door.

James and Peter were sitting on Sirius's bed, I sat down on James' bed, Sirius came and sat

next to me, in between me and the door. Again, they were sitting in such a way that they

weren't going to let me escape them until I had at least heard them out. Sneaky bastards.

They all looked at each other in uncomfortable silence. I said nothing but looked at the

floor- I may have been fairly certain at the time that they had found out my secret, but I

still wasn't quite ready to show my hand yet. I had to let them admit to it yet, then I

started to speak.

"Oh-Kay" James sighed. "Here goes everything. Remus...I, that is we-" he broke off, chewing

his bottom lip, I could see the cogs in his brain going, trying to find the right words to

say. "There is no easy way to say this so I'm going to come right out and say it, sorry for

any offence caused. Remus," He scrunched his eyes closed, if he looked at me, he'd loose his

bottle. "We know, okay? We know...about your...little furry problem." He finished lamely,

blushing bright red at the terminology. They all looked at me, waiting for my reaction,

thinking it would be bad. I burst out laughing. I was so shocked at the phrase he had used.

Of all the euphemisms in the world... Sirius blinked at me, and started to laugh as well. He

was followed in quick succession by James and even Peter gave a nervous giggle. The

tension was instantly shattered as we all fell about laughing.

"I must admit, I've never heard or seen it described that way myself, but it is fitting I

suppose. My little furry problem..." I said when I could finally speak. As the others also

regained the power of speech, the atmosphere grew solemn once more.

"So..." I said, looking at the carpet.

"So...what?"

I looked at Sirius.

"You find out that one of your friends is a..." I suddenly realised, that I had never really said

that I was a werewolf out loud before, even to myself.

"That you have a little furry problem." James interjected

"Yeah, that. And you all you have to say is 'so what?'? I think it's a bit of a big deal."

"So you think you warrant more than a 'So what?'?" Sirius demanded, a familiar twinkle in his

eyes. Sirius was trying to lighten the mood once more. He couldn't deal with a heavy

atmosphere very well.

"Yeah, I do."

"Fine." Sirius closed his eyes and took a deep breath, face growing serious. It amazed me how

quickly his mood could swing from one end of the spectrum to the other. "We found out. We

had a long talk about it." He looked up at Peter and James.

"A very long talk. And we decided that, as big a deal as it is, it's not worth losing your friendship

over. We can deal with it." He looked directly at me, determination shining in his intense

brown-black eyes. "We'll find a way to deal with it."

James nodded vigorously, Peter, less so. But then again, Peter isn't the bravest person in the

world, and, although I share a decent friendship with him, I suspect part of him isn't entirely

comfortable with my lycanthropy. Nevertheless, the gesture shocked and touched me.

The rest of the afternoon was spent talking and messing about as normal, dispelling, most,

if not all of the resulting tension.


End file.
